Monday, June 28, 2010

The review: Why men love Bitches- by Sherry Argov


First off-- don't be put off by the title.

A bitch in this book is an "endearing word for a woman who is polite but communicates directly with a man as humans do...". Yeah, I stayed awake most of the night reading "Why men love Bitches". I was fascinated by the synopsis and reviews... and when I finally read it...I was blown away (not literary). I said to myself, if this is a manual of how things ought to be, then some of us are in big trouble... Honestly, I find the ideas very interesting and most of the points raised made a lot of sense.

However, I do not entirely agree that we should start changing who we are because some men prefer it when we are the "hot chase" and they the hot chasers.

Why, maybe it is about time someone flip the coin over and tell the story differently-- women should not always be the ones to bend-over and change their skin to be accepted. If a man cannot accept a nice sensible girl then let him keep chasing the bitches. Oh well, the book is not asking women to bend-over or change their skin at all!

I like how Argov define the term Bitch:
Bitch (noun)- A woman who won't bang her head against the wall obsessing over someone else's opinion--be it a man or anyone else in her life. She understands that if someone does not approve of her, it's just one person's opinion; therefore, it's of no real importance. she doesn't try to live up to anyone else's standards- only her own. Because of this she relates to man very differently.

She gave about twenty-seven (27) principles on how to rise from being a doormat to a dream girl-- My favourite include: "If you tell him you are not interested in jumping into a relationship with both feet, he will set out to try to change your mind". Have you met these kind of women chasers? The moment they hear one is not interested they don't relent until they win you over-- and God help you on how you decide to handle it, the "nice girl" way or the "Bitch" aura. The author explains the difference between the two.

Also, "If the choice is between her dignity and having a relationship, the bitch will prioritize her dignity above all else" ....in a nutshell, don't spend your time obsessing or fretting over a man... "act like a prize and you'll turn him into a believer"

"A bitch gives a man plenty of space so he doesn't fear being trapped in a cage. Then... he set out to trap her in his".

"Every man wants to have sex first; whether he wants a girlfriend is something he thinks about later. By not giving him what he wants upfront, you become his girlfriend without him realizing it" And after giving him sex, he would just let himself chase after the next hottie on the block...

"Anytime a woman competes with another woman, she demeans herself..." Is that true ladies out there?

"Why men love bitches" is not just a book filled with dos and don'ts. I appreciate how the author backs each point up with a good illustration/real stories readers can connect to. This made me buy a copy of the book as a birthday gift for a friend, with the hope that she will learn the lessons worth learning from it before she launch into her first relationship. I am not recommending that we follow all the rules in the book religiously, just read, understand and learn from the real life stories shared. As the saying goes, experience is the best teacher, this include learning from the experiences of others.

One of my friends, while signing a book he got me for my birthday wrote "...grow more to be a Proverbs 31 woman NOT a BITCH!!!" I would have expected him to admit that men really love Bitches.

Another man, after reading the book, wrote on Amazon.com: "As a man who read this book, I have a new understanding of how and why my last girlfriend acted the way she did. She must have read this book! I have to say, I chased after her, just like the book says a man will do if you follow the rules it describes. But, (and this is a big BUT), eventually, I got tired of chasing her. Eventually I came to the huge realization that I didn't want to live the rest of my life this way, under her thumb, with her making all the rules for our relationship. Women have put up with men that act this way, and it drives you crazy, doesn't it? Don't you hate it when a guy doesn't call and acts like other things are more important than you are? This book could just as well have been written for men, and been titled, "Why Women Love Jerks'...if everyone, men and women alike, followed the rules contained in it, this world would be full of a lot of single people."

The book teaches that women should stop obsessing over men. It also teaches the importance of being strong and independent...em...em...but not arrogant? :) The author reaffirmed the need for women never to feel threatened by the "beauty" of other women-- competing diminishes your value before a man.

Go ahead, buy a copy of the book. Whether you choose to remain the "Bitch" or "The nice girl" after reading the book, learn to maintain a good sense of humor, liberate your soul and treat your body like a temple.

I love Natasha Bedingfield's song "Say it again" But reading "Why men love Bitches" and listening to the song... makes my stomach tie in a knot! Oh the joy or pain of womanhood!

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD LYRICS

"Say It Again"

No need to translate,
'cause my eyes give me away,
Even though my lips don't say..

This should be so easy,
But my head gets in the way,
All the things that I want to tell you.

You're the most perfect yet,
Most definitely that i've met,
And I wonder if you know that's how I feel about you.
I hope you know..

'cause I have so much love for you.
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove,
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again.

Not enough lovers in life to go around
But there's you and me,
If we don't start it out.. mmmm..
It's not hard to let go
Enough to let me in.
If it's meant to be,
It can only be good.

You're the most perfect fit,
Most definitely that i've met,
And I hope that you feel the same way too
About me.. just let me know..

'cause I have so much love for you,
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove.
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again..

Can you take it from me?
If I give, can you receive?
I'm reaching out,
Giving everything.
I give you my heart, I give you my soul,
I give you it all..

'cause I have so much love for you,
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove.
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again..

37 comments:

aarti said...

Love your book review!!! thanks for taking the time to write :)

Juliet said...

Wow what an awesome review. You answered all the questions I had about whether to buy this book and in such an interesting way :) Might have to pop into the book shop tomorrow..

Laura Ingalls said...

I also considered this book and read a few pages from amazon.

I've always considered myself to be a "nice" "too good" girl and keep telling my daughter that the reason i've never been married is because I am too nice and that if you look at most strong, long lasting marriages, the woman is very much in control but also very independent and not ruled by her husband. I have a friend who is nothing to look at, is very overweight but she really does have the x factor, she is very opinionated, doesn't care one jot whether she makes her husband cry or leave the house if they argue. She married a guy 15 years younger than herself even though she had 3 kids already.. they went on to have twins and they've been together for 10 years now!

Anonymous said...

I am a guy, and I do NOT think of having sex with a woman first .

In truth , I seek ethereal romance in all its untramelled and delightfully antiquated quaintness .

Concurrently, the typical MTV / HBO era soulless desire to get laid , holds NO appeal ...I would rather have sex solely for the purposes of siring offspring with my wife .

Sexuality is the opiate of the masses and a lousy opiate at that; and liberated sexuality is the obstacle against authentic , profound romance ...as well as the sort of tripe that carries in its wake the deluge of cheap giggles that contemporary pop culture trash does thrive on .

I seek women who are ethically good , NOT "good in bed" , NOT "hot" .

Sexiness is a form of soullessnes and tackiness ....and I love independent outspoken women , yet those who are outspoken in a way that shows acumen and dignity , NOT the edgy deameanor of some twit from a reality t.v. or HBO show, the latter being ugly in persons of EITHER gender .

It is always good to keep in mind that so-called shades of grey are NEVER any subsitute for accuracy and Truth .

Anonymous said...

As a guy I don't want a bitch or some newly transformed bitch they can be self-centred, selfish, inconsiderate, prideful and bitter. They have never appealed to me on a long-term perspective in the short-term they can fun for sex and bad banter but in the long-term their negative characteristics get the best of them and they eventually end up feeling like everyone is against them and they have limited friends and can be very difficult people to even communicate with they also are less attentive and affectionate. I have dated a few and don't recall missing them or regret getting rid of them they don't leave a good taste about them and you somewhat pity them after a while. I find a lot of them become single parents too. A "doormat" may seem bad by name but believe they offer so much more then a bitch can offer, see they give their all and better suited for me see they have good heart, more caring, more easy-going and have better understandings they are truly beautiful within but many fail to see that, not me. They are the ones that flourish, the ones that got away, the ones we miss, the ones that we remember, they are the ones we count on and trust ever so deeply they don't have bad intentions they are simple people who just want so little but so much they are the reason we smile, we cry and love. A "doormat" can help men become better people they are great mothers, friends and lovers. If you consider yourself or been considered a "doormat" don't let that get you down just know someone there has so much love to give you and will appreciate you but it's just harder for you to find that one but he's worth being a "doormat" for and believe me to him you're not his "doormat" you're his everything and he couldn't be without you, you are special and being someone else well doing that just makes you lose your worth and makes you more eligible to end up with settling for less or feeling lonely. Bitches can make good friends though but guys like me we don't want them no matter how good they look, feel or smell we want a "doormat" they are the special ones the unsung beautiful women, we'd do much more for them. I must add that they have this midst of positive aura that surrounds them we draw them in some strange manner but we hold on tight and firmly to them. It's easier to love a "doormat" in my opinion and you somehow end up convincing yourself we ought to love them more and more.

Anonymous said...

I love your review, now I must continue on reading. I like it that you said "If a man cannot accept a nice sensible girl then let him keep chasing the bitches" Thanks so much!

Anonymous said...

Being independent is good, but most "independent" women are almost always on to ppls weak sides, they never appreciate and think that they're always right. They're like "what's new" almost every time they hear something. As far as I'm concerned, I do like when a girl in independent and has her own life becides outs but she must always be positive and if she has something to say to me then she has humble.

Anonymous said...

What you wrote spoke straight to my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I have been a doormat in my relationship; it is a terrible thing to love a man who is not worthy. Thank you for your beautiful words. You are a lovely person.

pinki doll said...

I have read this book many years ago and I had a boyfriend then who wanted to marry me but I didnt feel like myself and I was VERY unhappy and we eventually broke up. I wanna be ME and have a man who loves ME. I now do what feels authentic to me and what I wanna do. If "I" wanna have sex on the first date I will, the book tells you not to care what others think but tells you to manipulate and not be you SO he will want you more?? thats conflicting. Now I have learned to treat men like they are HUMAN BEINGS and whenever I am genuine with men, when I am my authentic self, when I speak from the heart, when I also see them as PEOPLE who have thier OWN insecurities who are also looking for LOVE like me, when ever I am genuine, I get SOOO much love back from them. and I know its REAL and not a "result" of a scheme written by someone who isnt even married. Be yourselves ladies.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading this book too and I have to agree with pinki doll. Being honest and real might be difficult, but I think it's worth the risk. I also find Sherry Argov's advice to be conflicted; in essence "Don't cater to men, but act like someone you're not so you can snag him."

On the one hand she is advocating being more assertive, while also promoting some very outmoded ideas about men, women and sexuality. The "candy store" analogy was sexist and degrading. Although there is merit in being cautious about who you sleep with, deciding to have sex should be more about protecting your self and your emotions and should not used as bait.

Some of the comments from the men were also off-putting. It seems women are supposed to stay quite, not care if men don't pay attention to them, keep emotions in check, and not get angry if they flirt with other women. Some of these men aren't exactly prizes themselves.

Calling an assertive woman a "bitch" doesn't do women any favours. I agree no one wants to be a door-mat, but you shouldn't be insulted if you stand up for yourself either.

Anonymous said...

Ladies,

Read the guys' comment about this book! He's right!! I'm not a total push over, and definitely not the bitch described in this book. I am a "doormat" Kind, nice, not too nice. I don't like this book, it's written by a woman who sounds very controlling and manipulative. I'd rather read a relationship book written by a man!

Anonymous said...

First of all, Wow! Second, can we go out!? :)

Bonnie Griffin said...

A "doormat" is the worst thing in the world to feel like. Period. The only way one can get into this situation is by sitting back and smile while your emotions and well being are taken advantage of. What this book did for me was give me the kmowledge that it is not ok to be such. I was in a relationship when i read this book and i was exactly what a "nice girl" is described. My entire adult life, I have been. Both of my ex husbands had affairs and left to be with "bitches". I stood up for myself after reading this book and I feel nothing but liberated. I also told him that when his daughter finds herself in the same situation, I hope he remembers me. Any self respecting, self loving woman will not allow others to control their emotions or actions. The author of tbe book doesn't tell you to not give love or limit yourself or share your soul, what she simply does is explain to you what it takes to find the one that deserves it. And to keep your dignity, your head held high, and self worth. If that makes me a "bitch", then so be it, because from what I learned, it doesn't matter what others think anyways...and I'm ok with that.

John said...

I am a man that methodically cultivates kindness in every relationship period. I have never been accused of being a pushover, and I know how to let a woman know she is valued without catering to her.

But some people see kindness as weakness...enter the bitch.

The women described in this book are quickly dumped without ceremony by any man because such companions rot the soul.

A so-called "doormat" can easily be encouraged to offer her opinion. Guess what? It's often valuable and applicable because they care, and they appreciate the concern, and being heard.

A woman that is rude or aloof is always destined to be at best a short-term pleasure-girl...and they are usually not even good at that. Thus men avoid them because lowering one's self is unhealthy.

Perhaps the title of this book should be, "How to attract men that are bitches."

...pardon me, but I must now go tell the woman I love that she is incredible, and her antithesis is categorizes in this book should she require a list of deal-breaking action items.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the review. Not that I believe in self help books for myself, nor would I ever play games or let anyone call me bitch, but it is still interesting to read about the book.
I just find it sad that people are so afraid to who they really are and have to play strange games. Not my thing at all...
I really wish people would spend much more time doing what they enjoy and surrounding themselves with people that they like and have fun with and stop treating life as a competition... But that's me. I know what I choose.
Ann

Anonymous said...

Come on how about the women has a disorder. OCPD were she cant accept you in her environment not because she is a bitch but she you turn into a alien to her environment and she must remove anything she cant control. Deemed bitch. I went through it. She chased me, meticulously in her control to make me fit in her perfect world then I became foreign in her incapability for any uncompletley uncontrollable thing to fit. Then the rejection, hence I am now the chaser and she is a ovnerly desreved bitch. I chase to posses a person who was always there doing evrrthing and then disappeared in her approach taking half of me. I am now wanting what I didnt want becsuse I never realized how she catered to my comfortable needs. Poof I am rejected and and cant deal wuth the chaser walking away from everthing she wanted and not being able to define it til now. O yeah she has to be hot in other people eyes other wise the superficial side is she is accepted for what she looks like but not who she really is. Adds a mix to it all

Anonymous said...

I agree on some points but I disagree on others. I don't think she's trying to "change" women in order to please men. I think what she means is that women should learn to stand up for themselves so that men can respect them more. She's not telling women to be arrogant and self-centered but instead to have a little more confidence and not to throw themselves into a relationship too soon. Of course I think the author exagerated some points but all in all, I think the change she's trying to have made is one that everyone should try to make.

Anonymous said...

I realise you haven't read the book. The doormat is called so for a reason. She ends up losing the man's respect an in the end, his interest. The doormat isn't the one who got away becaus the man intentionally throws her away. She gave her all and so has nothing more to give. I'd rather be a bitch. And my boyfriend does so too. He loves me more for not letting him get away with crap. Also...it means I am with him by choice and not of dependancy. Still, I can also be kind, giving, gentle and loving. A bitch can be warm and respectable at the same time. She just won't jump through hoops.

Anonymous said...

Good but too much boring repetitions in this book. It could have been done and bringing out the same message but with fewer pages.

Anonymous said...

A lot of times people write about their experiences, hence biased. And because they went thru such experience they want everybody to agree with them which is not right, let us choose for ourselves, it's my right as a person. Men are different and we all come from different cultures and backgrounds. What works for one does not work for another, do what's best for you and learn from your mistakes and move on. Period.

Anonymous said...

Love ur review.its enlightening,making the book enticing and a must read 4 me.

Anonymous said...

Nonsense

Anonymous said...

Honestly, gentlemen like ladies. It's not about being above your partner; instead, it is about reciprocity and working together. Only a weak man would stay in a relationship as described by the author.

Anonymous said...

Being nice, loyal, devoted and available has not gotten me anywhere with men. There is truth to this book. Men say they want one thing but dump you for the more challenging woman. This book wasnt written to please every... There is humor to this book. Don't knnow why you people have your stockings in a bunch. Relax.

Anonymous said...

This book states the basic of people psychology and can be applied equally to both men and women. And it is that people generally will think of you less, want you less, interested in you less if you give out too much every time, all the time.
If someone don't want to be called a doormat he/she should look for equal partnership, not letting a blanket to be pulled on one side. I cook you do the dishes, I skipped my yoga class, you will skip your poker game when I will need you to.We cannot/don't have to change ourself. If women OK with been the only one who contributes to the relation, than she will go thru a series of bad ones, when other person will get disinterested soon, and eventually (hopefully) meet someone who will be looking for someone exactly like her ( these people do exist, look at prior comments:)

Anonymous said...

Hi, guy here!

I dumped my gf after she became an unsufferable b*tch and I found out later that she had read this book. So beware of consequences!

Background:
I was dating a girl for 5 years, however I was not interested in serious relationships (because I have seen to many of my guy friends getting divorced and taken to the cleaners..) and my gf was aggressive and domineering which are two absolute no-nos for a life partner to me: I need a partner in my life and NOT a competitor!

The last couple months, my gf's attitude changed dramatically as she tried to apply the advice in this book (I only figured this was the reason later), and so I ended the relationship.

Bottom line:
I never considered my gf to be a possible life partner because she was aggressive, selfish and domineering (in other words: she was already more or less what this book advocates), and the advice in this book only exacerbated her behavior to the point I couldn't even stand hanging out with her long enough to have sex!

Women, it's not rocket science: men don't want to commit because of the f-up laws and the family court system. Would you want to commit to someone who can cheat on you then divorce you and take all your sh*t, take your children, have you thrown in jail, and ruin you with insane support payments computed on imaginary income but with a very real threat of landing in jail if you don't pay regardless of whether you have a job. No? Well, neither do men!

The kind of attitude that this book promotes is EXACTLY THE ATTITUDE THAT IMMEDIATELY DISQUALIFIES A WOMEN for a long term relationship. Yes, men may still pursue you for sex or even jump through a few hoops as they are being manipulated BUT men know the difference between the bad girls they have fun with, and the good girls that they commit to. This book's advice will firmly place you in the short-term category!

Anonymous said...

It's an incredible book, N great to get started with, but eventually a long term relationship depends on whether two ppl actually like each other and get along. If u don't enjoy each others company, all sorts of gimmicks will fail.

Anonymous said...

You guys don't understand the book. She says somewhere that this isn't about how to manipulate someone or play games; this is whether or not you are genuinely needy. No man (or woman) wants someone who clings to them. It's not about controlling a man to do your bidding. You can still love someone and treat them really sweetly & be affectionate as a "Bitch." It just means that you shouldn't let anyone no matter how much you think you "need" or"love" them walk all over you. If someone's disrespecting you, you don't tolerate it or go with it. You don't stop going with the rhythm of your life for anyone. You have the power to ditch people who aren't worth your time. You have a life outside of the relationship & you are emotionally stable. You give your other person their freedom. When you're with them it's not nag nag mothering sappy love love time, it's actually a time to have fun & connect.

The only point in the book I don't really understand is the "mysterious" part. You should NEVER do anything to make a man think your hiding something. Yes they'll get curious, but about negative things. When you open up a little, it shows you're comfortable with yourself & that you are more trustworthy. It's good to leave some things unsaid so he stays interested but don't overdo it. Men really do notice when you don't talk to them for a while. It makes them think you're either A) Not interested, B) Talking to someone else, or C) Playing games. Or D) All 3 at the same time. And they WILL give up and ditch you.

You should love & respect the person you're with as an equal Not as your slave. If you hate being ignored and disrespected, they definitely will too.

Anonymous said...

This book is amazing, they should give it to us girls when they tell us about periods at school and the boys play football...lol

For the guys that sum the book up based on the title just swap the word BITCH for SELF ASSURED WOMEN

Francisca Joiwin said...

Wonderful book. I love it. Great advice.

Jacksquat said...

As a man , if you think this lady has it all figured out your a mushroom. First of all , who gives a damn about this scorned creatures hate towards all Men who disagree with her entitlement disorder! Second , most guys have a growing sense of distrust towards females in our society. The obvious facts about marriage its cost and disastrous outcomes have become very crystal clear to all men. Legal practice and laws have changed every guys perspective of ever signing a contract for vagina. The institution of unholy matrimony is most defiantly changing and will die. I don't think anyone should buy a book or support this nasty ambitious greedy way of thinking . obviously this whole effort to be rich and famous shouldn't come from such ideology

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Unknown said...

I need your advice!!! I am in a relationship with someone for 1year and 7months. I have a child and met him as a prostitute I stopped later and started a relationship with him meanwhile he was in a relationship with a Lady (almost 6years) and she had helped him while he was searching for a job. I eventually got a job in the state he got his job but stayed with him for a 2months before I got my apartment. When the Lady comes around he put me in a hotel for the days which she would stay around. Now I wasn't disturbed then cos I never loved him but I became angry and felt disrespected and when I ask him why he would treat me that way he simply said he loves us both equally that he can't choose one over the other. I discovered he loves me more than the other Lady because he takes seriously anything that affects me and encourages my passion and dreams in life. He has invested so much in me and the relationship the other Lady does the visiting as she lives in another state but He has not visited her for once since I have known him but he visits me when am out of town even though his schedule at work is busy. Now am confused as I am too attached with him and I can't stand my man dating someone other Lady making me look like a substitute. I have threatened and even called of the relationship but he keeps begging recently I asked him to be with me for val and he declined went out with her and I saw them he saw me too but immediately he started calling me to know where I am I told him am out with my friend and he insisted to know but I told him not to bother cos he ain't my father then I hung up the call he sent he called a friend and told her what had happened I noticed that during this period he calls like hell begging, texting, would always come around my house trying to see me or talk to me but I kept mute and told him and the relationship off but he kept begging and I forgave him after 2weeks. After this drama I went to another state for training and he came there to see me after which we came back together I got confused as he was still communicating with the other Lady I decided to call her to clarify certain things that had occurred that I wasn't happy about. He had an issue with the Lady and I discovered that even though he was cheating on her and she was angry he wasn't particularly begging her up to 2% of the plea when he hurt me and she ended up coming to visit him for 2days they weren't talking together and those times he was with me till almost midnight I feel she loves him more and she's financially stable than I am. Now she had gone back, I love him but that excitement I used to have anytime I see him isn't there anymore. Pls, the guys in the house can you love two people equally? In my story, do you think am been used? What do you think and advice I do. Cos I want no competition and need to know if he loves me for real.

FrancesscaJoanJoywynne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Honey, I think you need to read the book if you haven't.

Aimsgirl said...

One of the greatest books I have ever read. It has taken what so many woman forget about and reminded them of it. Woman who have been hurt by assholes and beaten down can finally remember that YES you ARE a prize and pick a man who treats you as such. There are so many woman out there who settle and never move forward - I know at least 3 woman like this. Always sort of quiet and depressed (without saying directly so) but still assuming they have "won" because they keep offering themselves up sexually to assholes who never fully appreciate them.

My fiance (and yes this book helped me get ENGAGED and find the right man because I 100% listened to the rules - no shortcuts), is the best man I have ever found. He's tall, handsome, has a full time job and keeps me pampered and loved in every way possible. I finally snapped - read this book - dumped some loser who wasn't giving me what I deserved and BOOM found the right guy only 3 months later. THIS BOOK WORKS! Any guys who say otherwise don't want you to be informed because they are horrible human beings who fall right above murderers - because yes - toying with woman's emotions to make her sleep with you deserves to be classified as RAPE. This book points that out. Don't be a pawn - get what you want out of life. I've never been so happy and peaceful with someone. I finally know that love goes both ways and how it feels. The only thing that makes me feel scared is how many woman still are out there... confused.

Mix said...

If your man is pushing you away and acting distant

Or if the guy you’re after isn’t giving you the time of day...

Then it’s time to pull out all the stops.

Because 99% of the time, there is only 1 thing you can say to a standoffish guy that will grab him by the heartstrings-

And get his blood pumping at just the thought of you.

Insert subject line here and link it to: Your ex won’t be able to resist?

Once you say this to him, or even send this simple phrase in a text message...

It will flip his world upside down and you will suddenly find him chasing you-

And even begging to be with you.

Here’s what I’m talking about:

Insert subject line here and link it to: Is your man hiding something? He may need your help?

Thanks again.











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